study stress

so i'm about a week away from round 2 of tackling the mcat and i must say i'm pretty nervous

i feel unprepared
i feel dumb
i feel like giving up
i feel unsure
i feel scared

they say second time's a charm, though... *insert weak, uncertain smile here*

after traversing to toronto to write the 5 hour-long computerized test, i hope to wind down by being pampered by mark. and by being pampered i mean hanging out with. lol.
but reallyyyyyy... i think a trip to canada's wonderland's been a long time coming. what better way to relieve the past 2 months of strenuous, excruciatingly hard work? if only i had actualllllly studied that hard. i think i studied pretty hard, but will it be good enough.... aaaaaaarggggghh

*ahem*

so i'm sitting here, with papers and books open everywhere on our dining room table and trying to calm down before attacking them again.

hmmm... in other news, i've been thinking lately. thinking about life, my future, my hopes and dreams... as amazing and wonderful it would be for med school to work out, ultimately i just want to be happy with what i'm doing, and feel that i am genuinely fulfilling my Purpose here. what is this purpose? ...

i can't believe another year is going to pass me by and leave me with no missions experience. how can i say i want to help poor/less fortunate people when i have virtually no idea who these people are or what they need? i am, of course, largely to blame for this; i don't persistently seek out such volunteer opportunities... i usually look into some project and then back away because of other responsibilities.... but i'm tired of not following through. send me. use me. MOVE me.

i must be more patient. with people, with myself.... with people.... i say i'm changed, but am i really? all the way down inside my heart? i want to be real.

doo doo doo...

hm..... i'm craving something but i can't quite figure out what.
.
.
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ah well. back to the books!