I am so very afraid to step back and take a long hard look at myself.
What I have become.
I thought that giving You my heart once would lock me in for good.
I thought that after all we've been through... all You've shown me and told me... what we had was unbreakable.
I thought I could rest.
Can't I rest? Can't I be healed? Can't I just sit here and have all my jumbled and scarred insides fixed?
Where is she. Where is that person who was so ready to climb mountains for You... leave everything and everyone behind for You... who confessed that You were her First, her Most, her Best...
I guess everyone kind of loses themselves once in awhile.
I'm at a point where I'm not sure whether to go searching for me again, or to just "ride it out"...
But I am just so good at pitying myself. Wallowing in my pain and smallness and feeling so utterly disappointed when people don't just automatically know I am feeling this way, or try to fix me.
Please find me. Bring me back. I don't know how to get there.
Or...
Give me the desire to see You. The strength to walk towards You. The wisdom to know how to get there.
And love. So much more love. Always love.
While I'm on this rampage of negativity... might as well get some stuff off my chest.
I'm disappointed my highlights didn't turn out more high...light...y... today.
I'm disappointed that Inggy was being a jerk earlier.
I'm disappointed that I kept telling myself Inggy was acting like a jerk, and
I'm disappointed that I was a jerk to Inggy to get back at her.
I'm disappointed that I am not a more supportive friend and/or girlfriend, but
I'm also disappointed that at times there's no one there to listen.
Anyways. I'm just talking myself in circles, and I would much rather be cheerful at this moment.
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PUPPIES.
I think I'm going to buy some happiness in the form of a snuggly, soft, playful, loving, wonderful PUPPY. Although mother keeps saying no, I'm like....... 98% sure that she would like having some company when all her chicks are off at school... And I'm 100% sure that I would love having a puppy. hahaha. And while things are a little lighter in this blog, HEY Mr Man aka JH!!!
I am sure that things will start looking up soon. They always do when I feel this crummy. Maybe I just need sleep... I HAVE pulled like 4 consecutive almost-all-nighters this week.
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