To sing Your praise to the ends of the earth..

I see hypocrisy around me and in me, and unlove around me and in me.

I know this is not a good sign on my own part

I know that it simply means that I am lacking in love,

but it's so hard.

What use is it to think of and realize such beautiful truths and revelations about God when others can't see the transforming power and love that flows from such truths!

Make me more pliable, more workable, more impressionable to Your shaping and changing presence!

My heart is so small. So selfish and proud and stubborn and unclean.

More Love!!!!!

SIGH.

There are moments of grace, though, most definitely... for these I am so truly grateful.

I am soooo excited... In all honesty, I feel so much better about my decision to stay here. For now. I want to see how God will use me either career-wise, academically or in the mission field. Whether here at home or overseas.

Help me understand these longings in my heart, the passion that I cannot yet name or identify. Help me see Your will more clearly! Help me desire more of Your Word!

Lord, use me! Please use this decision and let me honour You in it..

I love You!

...amen.

it's a slow fade

Oh my heart! 

I had such a love-ly week last week... I felt like I really was basking in the glow of God's love.

But all of a sudden... I was plunged into the dark again. 

Really REALLY : be careful if you think you stand... cause you just might be sinking.

The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns used to make me very uncomfortable when I heard it while driving. Now I recognize it as a warning. 

I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading all of this... I sometimes feel really pressed for time and am unable to read everything others write, but I just need to get this OUT.

I am DYING for girlfriend-hood. Sisterdom. Edifying relationship. What is wrong with me that I can't establish it with girls around me? My heart is crying out for someone to help carry my burden, share my secrets, ease my pain. 

But there is no one here.

I know that little by little God is opening doors to new relationship in my life, which I'm really really excited about, but I wish I could the reconcile the poor, broken, hurting relationships that are lying right in front of me.

And I wish I knew how to use my perception PRODUCTIVELY! Instead, I sit and stew in my own frustration and pain at other peoples' pain and brokenness. It's so hard to care. It's so painful to care...

I speak of committing my life to Jesus, but do I know what that looks like? Where are the fruitful relationships, where are the fruits of my spirit? Where is the fruit!!!

I so badly want to bear a harvest of pretty fruit. Whole, sparkling, beautiful fruit that others want to share in. 

But my fruit is tinged around the edges, there are pock marks and bruises on them. 

Where is the COMMUNITY? Where is the fellowship? Where is the LOVE? 

I'm so tired.

Give me the light. Give me the peace. Give me the Rock!

Lord, increase my faith.

Love is in the air!

i am sooooo in love with You !

......

I just tried to think of words to express what I'm experiencing right now, the sweetness of this time in my life and faith journey... but I can't. There are no words.

So I'll update again later.

hehehehehehehehe *thank You God*

P.S. READ 'THE SHACK' by William Paul Young!

Make it count.

All this talk of Lent... here are some of my thoughts about it.

I don't think I knew what Lent was, growing up. I don't even recall the first time I observed it, or what I gave up. I wonder if I understood what it meant at the time.

As I take this time to be alone, and have some introspection... I think I can begin to understand the "reason for the season." hehe. 

We have so much but are willing to give up so little to the One who's given us EVERYTHING. 

I want Lent to be real this year.

I want to not just give something up and then simply fill that space in my life with something else... I want this sacrifice to mean something, to be a way to experience God fuller, more real in my life.

Pastor Billy told us the other day that if we truly give something up and are really experiencing Lent, we should be growing closer to God. 

I want that.

So... here goes.