To sing Your praise to the ends of the earth..

I see hypocrisy around me and in me, and unlove around me and in me.

I know this is not a good sign on my own part

I know that it simply means that I am lacking in love,

but it's so hard.

What use is it to think of and realize such beautiful truths and revelations about God when others can't see the transforming power and love that flows from such truths!

Make me more pliable, more workable, more impressionable to Your shaping and changing presence!

My heart is so small. So selfish and proud and stubborn and unclean.

More Love!!!!!

SIGH.

There are moments of grace, though, most definitely... for these I am so truly grateful.

I am soooo excited... In all honesty, I feel so much better about my decision to stay here. For now. I want to see how God will use me either career-wise, academically or in the mission field. Whether here at home or overseas.

Help me understand these longings in my heart, the passion that I cannot yet name or identify. Help me see Your will more clearly! Help me desire more of Your Word!

Lord, use me! Please use this decision and let me honour You in it..

I love You!

...amen.

it's a slow fade

Oh my heart! 

I had such a love-ly week last week... I felt like I really was basking in the glow of God's love.

But all of a sudden... I was plunged into the dark again. 

Really REALLY : be careful if you think you stand... cause you just might be sinking.

The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns used to make me very uncomfortable when I heard it while driving. Now I recognize it as a warning. 

I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading all of this... I sometimes feel really pressed for time and am unable to read everything others write, but I just need to get this OUT.

I am DYING for girlfriend-hood. Sisterdom. Edifying relationship. What is wrong with me that I can't establish it with girls around me? My heart is crying out for someone to help carry my burden, share my secrets, ease my pain. 

But there is no one here.

I know that little by little God is opening doors to new relationship in my life, which I'm really really excited about, but I wish I could the reconcile the poor, broken, hurting relationships that are lying right in front of me.

And I wish I knew how to use my perception PRODUCTIVELY! Instead, I sit and stew in my own frustration and pain at other peoples' pain and brokenness. It's so hard to care. It's so painful to care...

I speak of committing my life to Jesus, but do I know what that looks like? Where are the fruitful relationships, where are the fruits of my spirit? Where is the fruit!!!

I so badly want to bear a harvest of pretty fruit. Whole, sparkling, beautiful fruit that others want to share in. 

But my fruit is tinged around the edges, there are pock marks and bruises on them. 

Where is the COMMUNITY? Where is the fellowship? Where is the LOVE? 

I'm so tired.

Give me the light. Give me the peace. Give me the Rock!

Lord, increase my faith.

Love is in the air!

i am sooooo in love with You !

......

I just tried to think of words to express what I'm experiencing right now, the sweetness of this time in my life and faith journey... but I can't. There are no words.

So I'll update again later.

hehehehehehehehe *thank You God*

P.S. READ 'THE SHACK' by William Paul Young!

whoa.

I have an intense need to blog right now.

I'm being so completely convicted that it hurts my heart.

I've been in a low place spiritually for the past... I don't even recall how long it's been since I felt REAL.

I feel real now.

I'm not sure if I can convey this feeling clearly in words, but I really just need to get my thoughts down right now.

I look around me and see so much complacency. So much compromise. So much backsliding. I see it most in myself. 

But I am tired of just accepting that this is just the way to go... Thinking this slope is too steep to fight the severe incline of the mountain. We are called to fight it!!! He knows we'll slip and fall back every once in awhile, but He is always ALWAYS ready to catch us and  help us back up. To give us strength and the footing to gain a few more inches uphill. 

I'm just going to come out and say it. KCF and LKCC leaders are slacking. I am slacking. I will admit it and I am not proud of the many ways I am lacking in my spiritual journey right now. I sense it in so many people around me, and I pray they have the humility to admit it too and do something about it. I've been feeling this heavy weight on my heart as I think about the actions and words of many "spiritual leaders", me included as an LKCC bible study teacher. I'm unsure about the others, so I'll speak for myself. 

I have been losing my desire to love my younger brothers and sisters.

I have been selfish in wanting to fulfill my own worldly desires.

I have not been reading my bible.

I find myself wanting to swear. (Although this may seem random, if you really knew me, you'd know that I HATE swear words and have often criticized others when they swore... I found this to be a pretty clear indication of my spiritual state a couple weeks ago-)

I am always criticizing and not building others up.

I do not spend time with Jesus, and have on several occasions have deliberately hurt him. 

I feel intense guilt and shame that I cannot seem to shake. I know our God is not a God who is into the whole guilt and shame thing.

I feel the driness of my soul. 

It has come to my attention that my younger sisters and brothers are really being impacted by the older guys/girls' actions. 

I am so disappointed that we are setting such a horrible example for them. 

Are we truly engaging in meaningful, deep, edifying relationships with them? 

Do we encourage each other in the Word and in love? 
Do we share encouraging, healing, good words with them? Or do we just gossip and talk on the surface level?

Do we take time to really ask how they are doing? Not just their studies, but in matters of the heart. Of the soul?

Do we make ourselves available to each other, to pray together, to FELLOWSHIP together? Or have our gatherings turned into just a social event?

I miss the days when I could call up my unnis and ask them to pray over me. I've had the most intense prayer sessions while in university, with my girlfriends and unnis who were truly concerned with my spiritual growth and the pains of my heart. 

I want to be this kind of unni. This kind of sister. 

I'm sick and tired of being spiritually sick and tired. 

I have made the decision to actively be an instrument that Jesus can use to reach  out to whoever around me needs love. 

I will repent of my own sins and my laziness.

I will not be afraid to speak out, to study the Word and spur people... even if they don't like what I have to say. 

I will try to do these things in a loving way, and not attack people.

I know this is not a joking matter, and that my actions may affect people around me more deeply than I could imagine. I want my every action to be meaningful, significant and overflowing with love.

Lord!

I am here! 

I am totally feeling Your presence. 

I am so excited. 

Please humble me so I know that this is not for any other reason than for Your glory and witness... 

Please use me and this unexpected passion I have discovered tonight. 

Begin the healing process in me and please forgive me. 

I love you!