whoa.

I have an intense need to blog right now.

I'm being so completely convicted that it hurts my heart.

I've been in a low place spiritually for the past... I don't even recall how long it's been since I felt REAL.

I feel real now.

I'm not sure if I can convey this feeling clearly in words, but I really just need to get my thoughts down right now.

I look around me and see so much complacency. So much compromise. So much backsliding. I see it most in myself. 

But I am tired of just accepting that this is just the way to go... Thinking this slope is too steep to fight the severe incline of the mountain. We are called to fight it!!! He knows we'll slip and fall back every once in awhile, but He is always ALWAYS ready to catch us and  help us back up. To give us strength and the footing to gain a few more inches uphill. 

I'm just going to come out and say it. KCF and LKCC leaders are slacking. I am slacking. I will admit it and I am not proud of the many ways I am lacking in my spiritual journey right now. I sense it in so many people around me, and I pray they have the humility to admit it too and do something about it. I've been feeling this heavy weight on my heart as I think about the actions and words of many "spiritual leaders", me included as an LKCC bible study teacher. I'm unsure about the others, so I'll speak for myself. 

I have been losing my desire to love my younger brothers and sisters.

I have been selfish in wanting to fulfill my own worldly desires.

I have not been reading my bible.

I find myself wanting to swear. (Although this may seem random, if you really knew me, you'd know that I HATE swear words and have often criticized others when they swore... I found this to be a pretty clear indication of my spiritual state a couple weeks ago-)

I am always criticizing and not building others up.

I do not spend time with Jesus, and have on several occasions have deliberately hurt him. 

I feel intense guilt and shame that I cannot seem to shake. I know our God is not a God who is into the whole guilt and shame thing.

I feel the driness of my soul. 

It has come to my attention that my younger sisters and brothers are really being impacted by the older guys/girls' actions. 

I am so disappointed that we are setting such a horrible example for them. 

Are we truly engaging in meaningful, deep, edifying relationships with them? 

Do we encourage each other in the Word and in love? 
Do we share encouraging, healing, good words with them? Or do we just gossip and talk on the surface level?

Do we take time to really ask how they are doing? Not just their studies, but in matters of the heart. Of the soul?

Do we make ourselves available to each other, to pray together, to FELLOWSHIP together? Or have our gatherings turned into just a social event?

I miss the days when I could call up my unnis and ask them to pray over me. I've had the most intense prayer sessions while in university, with my girlfriends and unnis who were truly concerned with my spiritual growth and the pains of my heart. 

I want to be this kind of unni. This kind of sister. 

I'm sick and tired of being spiritually sick and tired. 

I have made the decision to actively be an instrument that Jesus can use to reach  out to whoever around me needs love. 

I will repent of my own sins and my laziness.

I will not be afraid to speak out, to study the Word and spur people... even if they don't like what I have to say. 

I will try to do these things in a loving way, and not attack people.

I know this is not a joking matter, and that my actions may affect people around me more deeply than I could imagine. I want my every action to be meaningful, significant and overflowing with love.

Lord!

I am here! 

I am totally feeling Your presence. 

I am so excited. 

Please humble me so I know that this is not for any other reason than for Your glory and witness... 

Please use me and this unexpected passion I have discovered tonight. 

Begin the healing process in me and please forgive me. 

I love you!