Oh my heart!
I had such a love-ly week last week... I felt like I really was basking in the glow of God's love.
But all of a sudden... I was plunged into the dark again.
Really REALLY : be careful if you think you stand... cause you just might be sinking.
The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns used to make me very uncomfortable when I heard it while driving. Now I recognize it as a warning.
I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading all of this... I sometimes feel really pressed for time and am unable to read everything others write, but I just need to get this OUT.
I am DYING for girlfriend-hood. Sisterdom. Edifying relationship. What is wrong with me that I can't establish it with girls around me? My heart is crying out for someone to help carry my burden, share my secrets, ease my pain.
But there is no one here.
I know that little by little God is opening doors to new relationship in my life, which I'm really really excited about, but I wish I could the reconcile the poor, broken, hurting relationships that are lying right in front of me.
And I wish I knew how to use my perception PRODUCTIVELY! Instead, I sit and stew in my own frustration and pain at other peoples' pain and brokenness. It's so hard to care. It's so painful to care...
I speak of committing my life to Jesus, but do I know what that looks like? Where are the fruitful relationships, where are the fruits of my spirit? Where is the fruit!!!
I so badly want to bear a harvest of pretty fruit. Whole, sparkling, beautiful fruit that others want to share in.
But my fruit is tinged around the edges, there are pock marks and bruises on them.
Where is the COMMUNITY? Where is the fellowship? Where is the LOVE?
I'm so tired.
Give me the light. Give me the peace. Give me the Rock!
Lord, increase my faith.