whoa.

I have an intense need to blog right now.

I'm being so completely convicted that it hurts my heart.

I've been in a low place spiritually for the past... I don't even recall how long it's been since I felt REAL.

I feel real now.

I'm not sure if I can convey this feeling clearly in words, but I really just need to get my thoughts down right now.

I look around me and see so much complacency. So much compromise. So much backsliding. I see it most in myself. 

But I am tired of just accepting that this is just the way to go... Thinking this slope is too steep to fight the severe incline of the mountain. We are called to fight it!!! He knows we'll slip and fall back every once in awhile, but He is always ALWAYS ready to catch us and  help us back up. To give us strength and the footing to gain a few more inches uphill. 

I'm just going to come out and say it. KCF and LKCC leaders are slacking. I am slacking. I will admit it and I am not proud of the many ways I am lacking in my spiritual journey right now. I sense it in so many people around me, and I pray they have the humility to admit it too and do something about it. I've been feeling this heavy weight on my heart as I think about the actions and words of many "spiritual leaders", me included as an LKCC bible study teacher. I'm unsure about the others, so I'll speak for myself. 

I have been losing my desire to love my younger brothers and sisters.

I have been selfish in wanting to fulfill my own worldly desires.

I have not been reading my bible.

I find myself wanting to swear. (Although this may seem random, if you really knew me, you'd know that I HATE swear words and have often criticized others when they swore... I found this to be a pretty clear indication of my spiritual state a couple weeks ago-)

I am always criticizing and not building others up.

I do not spend time with Jesus, and have on several occasions have deliberately hurt him. 

I feel intense guilt and shame that I cannot seem to shake. I know our God is not a God who is into the whole guilt and shame thing.

I feel the driness of my soul. 

It has come to my attention that my younger sisters and brothers are really being impacted by the older guys/girls' actions. 

I am so disappointed that we are setting such a horrible example for them. 

Are we truly engaging in meaningful, deep, edifying relationships with them? 

Do we encourage each other in the Word and in love? 
Do we share encouraging, healing, good words with them? Or do we just gossip and talk on the surface level?

Do we take time to really ask how they are doing? Not just their studies, but in matters of the heart. Of the soul?

Do we make ourselves available to each other, to pray together, to FELLOWSHIP together? Or have our gatherings turned into just a social event?

I miss the days when I could call up my unnis and ask them to pray over me. I've had the most intense prayer sessions while in university, with my girlfriends and unnis who were truly concerned with my spiritual growth and the pains of my heart. 

I want to be this kind of unni. This kind of sister. 

I'm sick and tired of being spiritually sick and tired. 

I have made the decision to actively be an instrument that Jesus can use to reach  out to whoever around me needs love. 

I will repent of my own sins and my laziness.

I will not be afraid to speak out, to study the Word and spur people... even if they don't like what I have to say. 

I will try to do these things in a loving way, and not attack people.

I know this is not a joking matter, and that my actions may affect people around me more deeply than I could imagine. I want my every action to be meaningful, significant and overflowing with love.

Lord!

I am here! 

I am totally feeling Your presence. 

I am so excited. 

Please humble me so I know that this is not for any other reason than for Your glory and witness... 

Please use me and this unexpected passion I have discovered tonight. 

Begin the healing process in me and please forgive me. 

I love you! 

Today

GRAD PHOTO TODAY!!!
EEEEEK

Shadowfeet

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

Toward home, a land that I've never seen

I am changing, less and less asleep

Made of different stuff than when I began...

And I have sensed it all along

Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out 

From under my feet

I'll be found in You, still standing.

When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in You.

There's distraction buzzing in my head

Saying in the shadow it's easier to stay

But I've heard rumours 

Of true reality

Whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new...

When the world has fallen out

From under me

I'll be found in You, still standing.

Every fear and accusation

Under my feet

When time and space are through

I'll be found in You

Pretty sure I could listen to Brooke Fraser forever. What a beauteous voice! Whenever she sings, I can imagine God tuning in and going "AW RIGHT! Brooke's on!" hahaha Except I'm sure He would express His sentiments much more eloquently and ... cool-ly.. 

I want so much to live this song right now. 

After many terrifying/disappointing/heartbreaking/exhilarating ups and downs I am definitely not the same Sunah that came into university. And I'm glad that I'm not the same, but I definitely need foundational discipline to keep on going even when things are rough.

(As an aside: I am loving Pastor Billy and have totally resonated with the message he's given in the past 2 weeks... I totally hear God speaking through him...)

Even in my current state of heart though, I ask for wisdom I do not deserve, forgiveness I have not earned, and love I don't understand. Oh, and also the humility to accept these things. Too often I think my heart boasts that it doesn't care and it's fine... but I know it's not. 

You make all things new. Please make me new... Again.

I want to be in a place where I can confidently talk about the nitty gritty stuff in life and not feel ashamed or like I should run and hide. I want all the dark and slimy bits of my life to be exposed to the bright and be changed into something beautiful, or else blasted into oblivion.

I want to deepen those ho-hum relationships that have the pretential (is that a word), gauzy mask of real friendship but is really lacking any substance beyond the surface... As a very recent encounter has reminded me, it's been so long since I've really connected with my "close friends" and it hurts. 

Especially for my bible study girls... I want so much to be an asset to them, a resource, a guide... I feel so useless sometimes- 

I want to see the world and its pains with eyes that have selective vision... I want to see it all, FEEL it all. LIVE and not just exist. Be passionate in all the things I do and love God, His children, His creation with reckless abandon. 

But alas. For now I am just me, in this dark lonely place, awaiting rescue. Occasionally His presence pierces the darkness and rekindles my flame... and for that I am so thankful. 

I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!

Disappointed

I am so very easily teed off lately.

I am so very afraid to step back and take a long hard look at myself.

What I have become.

I thought that giving You my heart once would lock me in for good. 

I thought that after all we've been through... all You've shown me and told me... what we had was unbreakable. 

I thought I could rest. 

Can't I rest? Can't I be healed? Can't I just sit here and have all my jumbled and scarred insides fixed?

Where is she. Where is that person who was so ready to climb mountains for You... leave everything and everyone behind for You... who confessed that You were her First, her Most, her Best...

I guess everyone kind of loses themselves once in awhile. 

I'm at a point where I'm not sure whether to go searching for me again, or to just "ride it out"... 

But I am just so good at pitying myself. Wallowing in my pain and smallness and feeling so utterly disappointed when people don't just automatically know I am feeling this way, or try to fix me. 

Please find me. Bring me back. I don't know how to get there. 

Or...

Give me the desire to see You. The strength to walk towards You. The wisdom to know how to get there.

And love. So much more love. Always love.

While I'm on this rampage of negativity... might as well get some stuff off my chest.

I'm disappointed my highlights didn't turn out more high...light...y... today.

I'm disappointed that Inggy was being a jerk earlier.

I'm disappointed that I kept telling myself Inggy was acting like a jerk, and 

I'm disappointed that I was a jerk to Inggy to get back at her.

I'm disappointed that I am not a more supportive friend and/or girlfriend, but 

I'm also disappointed that at times there's no one there to listen.

Anyways. I'm just talking myself in circles, and I would much rather be cheerful at this moment.

...

.....

.......

PUPPIES.

I think I'm going to buy some happiness in the form of a snuggly, soft, playful, loving, wonderful PUPPY. Although mother keeps saying no, I'm like....... 98% sure that she would like having some company when all her chicks are off at school... And I'm 100% sure that I would love having a puppy. hahaha. And while things are a little lighter in this blog, HEY Mr Man aka JH!!! 

I am sure that things will start looking up soon. They always do when I feel this crummy. Maybe I just need sleep... I HAVE pulled like 4 consecutive almost-all-nighters this week. 

...

Late Night Shenanigans

Bathroom rant cont'd...

I apologize profusely but I must also comment on how people can absolutely DESTROY the toilet in public bathrooms. 

I hate it when I reallly have to go, get to the bathroom, and the one available stall is available only because it has one of those iceberg-type ddongs sitting in it. Amongst clouds of toilet paper.

Gross.

I'm not bashing on the people themselves who commit this atrocity. I totally get that there are times when a person's bowels just need to completely relieve themselves.... often at very er, inopportune times (AHEM... like on a half-hour bus ride on the highway to a conference?) but it just ISN'T pleasant walking in on the sight, is all. 

Okay... I will try not to write more about bathrooms anymore. Unless completely necessary.

Bathroom Rant

Does nobody else find it just a tad awkward when they hear other people answer their cellphones in the bathroom? Last week I heard a girl just straight up having a conversation while in a stall (presumably sitting on the toilet) and I just found it really odd. Today I also heard a girl answer the phone as she entered the bathroom and then continue as she proceeded into the stall. Am I the only one who finds it rude/unusual/ever-so-slightlyy unhygienic to be talking on the phone while sitting on the john?

I understand if its some emergency, but these conversations were just ... "HeY~!~!~! How are you doing... did you see Max the other day? He looked so great! Blah blah blah..."  

Just a thought.