Oh my heart!
I had such a love-ly week last week... I felt like I really was basking in the glow of God's love.
But all of a sudden... I was plunged into the dark again.
Really REALLY : be careful if you think you stand... cause you just might be sinking.
The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns used to make me very uncomfortable when I heard it while driving. Now I recognize it as a warning.
I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading all of this... I sometimes feel really pressed for time and am unable to read everything others write, but I just need to get this OUT.
I am DYING for girlfriend-hood. Sisterdom. Edifying relationship. What is wrong with me that I can't establish it with girls around me? My heart is crying out for someone to help carry my burden, share my secrets, ease my pain.
But there is no one here.
I know that little by little God is opening doors to new relationship in my life, which I'm really really excited about, but I wish I could the reconcile the poor, broken, hurting relationships that are lying right in front of me.
And I wish I knew how to use my perception PRODUCTIVELY! Instead, I sit and stew in my own frustration and pain at other peoples' pain and brokenness. It's so hard to care. It's so painful to care...
I speak of committing my life to Jesus, but do I know what that looks like? Where are the fruitful relationships, where are the fruits of my spirit? Where is the fruit!!!
I so badly want to bear a harvest of pretty fruit. Whole, sparkling, beautiful fruit that others want to share in.
But my fruit is tinged around the edges, there are pock marks and bruises on them.
Where is the COMMUNITY? Where is the fellowship? Where is the LOVE?
I'm so tired.
Give me the light. Give me the peace. Give me the Rock!
Lord, increase my faith.
2 comments:
Hmm this is a heavy and complicated post asher. Fruit will come, but fruit takes time to grow, there is a season of sowing and a season of reaping. And that season of sowing sometimes is very long, painful, confusing. But if we take everything of ourselves, surrendered to the cross, a bountiful harvest of fruit will produce in our lives, I truly believe it! I miss you, and I hope you still know that I pray for you a lot, and that I consider you to be one of my closest sisters in Christ! It's hard to establish close relationships with girls because ...it takes time and a lot of vulnerability to do that with anybody! And with fruit again, I think some of it is "sealing the cracks in our lives" as my pastor says. We have to seal those cracks up, so when God pours blessings in our live, it won't leak out. Find those cracks ash! And let's live a life that is glorifying for God! Remember, try not to seek to be happy, but to be faithful...emotions are fleeting, the joy of the Lord sustains even in times of confusion and darkness~
i also find it difficult to form sturdy bonds with girls, and i agree with lisa that it does take a lot of time and vulnerablity, and also with a person who is willing to be equally as vulnerable and supportive. if only we all weren't so afraid of who we were, and of being judged.
often times ive also found that those who you are willing to be vulnerable with, dont really stick around, and it gives off the feeling that they never really cared, and this is what makes us afraid. but i guess thats part of the trip, and a worthwhile lesson to strengthen and smarten us up (even though it stings sometimes).
i hope you find what you're looking for.
on another note: have you heard back from TPR yet?
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