Shadowfeet

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet

Toward home, a land that I've never seen

I am changing, less and less asleep

Made of different stuff than when I began...

And I have sensed it all along

Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out 

From under my feet

I'll be found in You, still standing.

When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees

When time and space are through

I'll be found in You.

There's distraction buzzing in my head

Saying in the shadow it's easier to stay

But I've heard rumours 

Of true reality

Whispers of a well-lit way

You make all things new...

When the world has fallen out

From under me

I'll be found in You, still standing.

Every fear and accusation

Under my feet

When time and space are through

I'll be found in You

Pretty sure I could listen to Brooke Fraser forever. What a beauteous voice! Whenever she sings, I can imagine God tuning in and going "AW RIGHT! Brooke's on!" hahaha Except I'm sure He would express His sentiments much more eloquently and ... cool-ly.. 

I want so much to live this song right now. 

After many terrifying/disappointing/heartbreaking/exhilarating ups and downs I am definitely not the same Sunah that came into university. And I'm glad that I'm not the same, but I definitely need foundational discipline to keep on going even when things are rough.

(As an aside: I am loving Pastor Billy and have totally resonated with the message he's given in the past 2 weeks... I totally hear God speaking through him...)

Even in my current state of heart though, I ask for wisdom I do not deserve, forgiveness I have not earned, and love I don't understand. Oh, and also the humility to accept these things. Too often I think my heart boasts that it doesn't care and it's fine... but I know it's not. 

You make all things new. Please make me new... Again.

I want to be in a place where I can confidently talk about the nitty gritty stuff in life and not feel ashamed or like I should run and hide. I want all the dark and slimy bits of my life to be exposed to the bright and be changed into something beautiful, or else blasted into oblivion.

I want to deepen those ho-hum relationships that have the pretential (is that a word), gauzy mask of real friendship but is really lacking any substance beyond the surface... As a very recent encounter has reminded me, it's been so long since I've really connected with my "close friends" and it hurts. 

Especially for my bible study girls... I want so much to be an asset to them, a resource, a guide... I feel so useless sometimes- 

I want to see the world and its pains with eyes that have selective vision... I want to see it all, FEEL it all. LIVE and not just exist. Be passionate in all the things I do and love God, His children, His creation with reckless abandon. 

But alas. For now I am just me, in this dark lonely place, awaiting rescue. Occasionally His presence pierces the darkness and rekindles my flame... and for that I am so thankful. 

I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!

Disappointed

I am so very easily teed off lately.

I am so very afraid to step back and take a long hard look at myself.

What I have become.

I thought that giving You my heart once would lock me in for good. 

I thought that after all we've been through... all You've shown me and told me... what we had was unbreakable. 

I thought I could rest. 

Can't I rest? Can't I be healed? Can't I just sit here and have all my jumbled and scarred insides fixed?

Where is she. Where is that person who was so ready to climb mountains for You... leave everything and everyone behind for You... who confessed that You were her First, her Most, her Best...

I guess everyone kind of loses themselves once in awhile. 

I'm at a point where I'm not sure whether to go searching for me again, or to just "ride it out"... 

But I am just so good at pitying myself. Wallowing in my pain and smallness and feeling so utterly disappointed when people don't just automatically know I am feeling this way, or try to fix me. 

Please find me. Bring me back. I don't know how to get there. 

Or...

Give me the desire to see You. The strength to walk towards You. The wisdom to know how to get there.

And love. So much more love. Always love.

While I'm on this rampage of negativity... might as well get some stuff off my chest.

I'm disappointed my highlights didn't turn out more high...light...y... today.

I'm disappointed that Inggy was being a jerk earlier.

I'm disappointed that I kept telling myself Inggy was acting like a jerk, and 

I'm disappointed that I was a jerk to Inggy to get back at her.

I'm disappointed that I am not a more supportive friend and/or girlfriend, but 

I'm also disappointed that at times there's no one there to listen.

Anyways. I'm just talking myself in circles, and I would much rather be cheerful at this moment.

...

.....

.......

PUPPIES.

I think I'm going to buy some happiness in the form of a snuggly, soft, playful, loving, wonderful PUPPY. Although mother keeps saying no, I'm like....... 98% sure that she would like having some company when all her chicks are off at school... And I'm 100% sure that I would love having a puppy. hahaha. And while things are a little lighter in this blog, HEY Mr Man aka JH!!! 

I am sure that things will start looking up soon. They always do when I feel this crummy. Maybe I just need sleep... I HAVE pulled like 4 consecutive almost-all-nighters this week. 

...

Late Night Shenanigans

Bathroom rant cont'd...

I apologize profusely but I must also comment on how people can absolutely DESTROY the toilet in public bathrooms. 

I hate it when I reallly have to go, get to the bathroom, and the one available stall is available only because it has one of those iceberg-type ddongs sitting in it. Amongst clouds of toilet paper.

Gross.

I'm not bashing on the people themselves who commit this atrocity. I totally get that there are times when a person's bowels just need to completely relieve themselves.... often at very er, inopportune times (AHEM... like on a half-hour bus ride on the highway to a conference?) but it just ISN'T pleasant walking in on the sight, is all. 

Okay... I will try not to write more about bathrooms anymore. Unless completely necessary.

Bathroom Rant

Does nobody else find it just a tad awkward when they hear other people answer their cellphones in the bathroom? Last week I heard a girl just straight up having a conversation while in a stall (presumably sitting on the toilet) and I just found it really odd. Today I also heard a girl answer the phone as she entered the bathroom and then continue as she proceeded into the stall. Am I the only one who finds it rude/unusual/ever-so-slightlyy unhygienic to be talking on the phone while sitting on the john?

I understand if its some emergency, but these conversations were just ... "HeY~!~!~! How are you doing... did you see Max the other day? He looked so great! Blah blah blah..."  

Just a thought. 

please, have my lunch.

I was listening to a sermon on Grace FM today, and I was SOOO convicted as I was walking (rapidly, because I was late) from TD Waterhouse Stadium to class! I can't for the life of me remember the name of the speaker, but she was talking about surrendering what little we have in order for God to use us fully.

She used the parable of the 5 barley loaves and 2 fish... pointing out that such a lunch implied that the boy who provided it was probably poor. I never thought about that little boy having the CHOICE to obey and give this measly lunch to Jesus - he could have refused to believe it would make any difference to a crowd of >5 000 people and given the disciples a hard time. 

That's what we are asked to do, with what little we have; because what we have is little. We know so little, we can only do so little, our 5 loaves and 2 fish are nothing compared to the great task we are meant to accomplish. On our own... there is no way we could feed ten people, let alone 5 000. We need Jesus... we need God to take the small lunch we have and multiply it with his awesomeness into something crazy-huge. Into something beautiful. 

I feel that these days I am being asked to surrender my lunch... and heaven knows it's so difficult to trust God enough to do so. But I want very much to do just that- to surrender my lunch completely... not hold anything back and let it be USED as it was meant to be used... to not just feed myself, but the people around me- the people I encounter everywhere I go. 

So... Lord... Yes. Have my lunch.

fin.

wow
now that i've written the mcat... i have so many things to DO!

-register for bio courses
-retreat stuff (call maple grove)
-rollerblade
-lose weight
-katie's wedding
-start drawing pretty things
-bake a fondant cake and decorate
-catch up on some reading
-canada's wonderland
-volunteer volunteer
-meet up with julie, kalyn, lauren, hanna

AAAAAND et cetera!

pictures to come!

this weekend was wonderful. thank youu. ^___^