This week jumped out of NOWHERE and knocked me off my feet.

Not in the romantical "swept me off my feet" (I wish this week had been a whimsical fairy tale of wonder!) but in the sense that "so much STUFF happened this week -both good and bad- and has just knocked me over." Mentally. I am brainily exhausted!

I don't think I'm complaining. (If this reads in a whining tone, you're reading incorrectly! ...)

Once again I feel that everything in my life, which had been collected and arranged and wrapped up nicely thankyouverymuch, has been thrown up into the air and all the different parts of me are being tossed about on one of those giant parachutes you bounce a beach ball on in kindergarten. (Awkward sentence).

Anyways. This week. Craziness.

It's been like 2 weeks now and I'm still reeling about being okayed for the OMF Serve Asia Cambodia team!!! The trip is from August 9-30 and I will be assisting long-term missionaries stationed in Phnom Penh and working with young women and children who are involved in sex slavery. I can't believe how the last 8 months or so are just... adding up and multiplying passion in me to learn more and do more and BE more for God's glory! It's so humbling and so amazing and such a relief as I learn more and more that it's not about me.

I have made the decision to stay rooted in Peoria for another year, and I feel so EXCITED to see what Year 2 in Central Illinois will have in store for me. I feel like there is SO MUCH that God wants to teach me here... I know that I do want to be more involved in church ministry and in community service... can't wait to see how our small group will grow and change... how my PCS kids will change and mature (fingers crossed!!!) in the next year... eeehehehehe.

So. This week I:

-confirmed that I would be returning for another year with Mrs Soo :)

-completed some more paperwork for OMF and sent it back to my awesome awesome team coordinator Bonnie

-have been working on my personal testimony+sensitive way to make people aware of human trafficking presentation for the next(?) Amplify worship night AND for the Women's Ministry Worship Night on May 11

-have pored over and completed typing up my Cambodia Prayer Letter

-taught myself a song on the guitar

-have gotten plugged in to start volunteer-counseling with Pastor Steve at the church office

-looked into online Biblical Counseling courses/degrees

-journaled a whole lot

-ran a total of 8 miles (so far!)

-blew up at my guys last night because I was sooooo frustrated and tired

Ah. There's something therapeutic about just getting your thoughts out and ordered in a list. I love lists!

Today is gray and kinda blah-ish outside, but I am thankful for it. This kind of day puts me into a pensive, curl-up-with-a-cup-of-coffee kinda mood.

Which reminds me...I should get working...

***

P.S. How do you present the TRUTH about the horror and filthy sinfulness of the human race to young adults in a way that is unflinchingly impactful yet instills hope for change and redemption in Christ??

What I Learned from Detoxing

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

I have only recently begun to realize what a blessing (and BEAUTY!) sunshine is! After months of grey, cloudy weather in a new environment (where yes, I had met new people but yes, it was slow going making many meaningful connections), I found myself feeling depressed quite often. But days when the sun was able to wrestle its way out from behind the clouds and peep out for a few hours of sunshine-y goodness reminded me that there WILL always come light, after the darkness!

For the past month I embarked on Detox Diet #...I believe 3! A little background on what exactly "Detox Diet" entails, according to The Complete Guide to Nutritional Health:

In the past 50 years, there has been an increase in heart disease, cancer, and auto-immune or degenerative disorders such as rheumatoid arthritis. These illnesses may be directly or indirectly linked to toxicity in the body created during digestion. This toxicity is exacerbated by the excessive consumption of refined sugar, cereals, oils, meat, dairy products, and animal fat that characterizes the modern diet, by food processing and preserving methods, and by the buildup of toxins in the food chain owing to the use of hormones, chemical fertilizers, antibiotics, insecticides, and antifungal agents in farming.

...

A detoxification diet can facilitate the rapid and efficient elimination of toxins and improve both short- and long-term health (p. 134).

The diet is divided into 4 one-week phases, with different instructions and advice to follow for each. The general gist of the diet is to eliminate animal meat, fats and products (dairy and eggs included), refined sugar, processed foods, salt, and wheat. (Not eating bread is what kills me about this diet!) Detoxification diets should be incorporated into your lifestyle once every 6 months to cleanse your system.

Purpose

I've usually been very moan-y and grumpy during detoxes past, but it was different this time. I began this diet at the end of January, as I realized that I want to be more aware, more wise more intentional about how I live my life. I want to be a better steward of the physical body I have been given on this earth! So this kick-started my (hopefully) healthy 2010. The Year of Change. haha

I always had an inkling that I had a dysfunctional, if not outright unhealthy relationship with food. This time around with detox made me consciously acknowledge it, not just to myself, but confess it to God. I LOVE FOOD. Anyone who knows me knows that my favourite channel back home is The Food Network and I could literally watch it all day long. I love eating and the way things taste and feel when eaten. I respond to ANY emotion (positive or negative!) by first reaching for something to eat. My mom knows that a habit of mine is just to open the fridge and stare at the food inside... go and do something for awhile and come back and do the same, even if the contents haven't changed. Needless to say, I have struggled with eating disorders in the past as well.

Revelation

As I cleaned up my diet and talked with friends who for their own health reasons had to have restrictive diets, I realized that DUH- I had made food an idol in my life. This is a big thing for me, because I don't think I have ever truly understood what "idol" meant until now. I idolize the way food can comfort me, I idolize the convenience with which I can take a peek into other people's lives on facebook (and then get caught up in a sometimes hours-long trek through the labyrinth of the social networking site doing absolutely NOTHING productive), I idolize the way I feel needed and wanted in a relationship and the reliable physical comfort of being with a significant other, etc.

The Process and the Hopeful Result

So as I physically cleansed, and felt myself becoming more energetic (I stopped drinking COFFEE, even!) I began to also cleanse and energize my spiritual body.

I have slowly begun (and to be honest, sometimes drag my feet in the process) to "get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word that is planted in you, which can save"[James 1:21].

I've never before been so sensitive and so disturbed at the sin and dirty-ness of my heart as I have been in the past few months. I know that God has used my physical environment, and relational "kilns" in the past several years to refine and shape my character. However, in this season of my life, I feel that the refining fire I am entering into is an internal one, a kiln for my mind especially, to be rid of thought patterns and tendencies but also definitely of the heart and spirit.

Let my heart always be glad of the triumphs AND the trials! Of open doors AND closed doors!

I am so thankful for "progressive sanctification"- that life is a continuous journey toward greater purity, holiness and beauty.

er.. Conclusion...?

I want my life to be lived out of love for Christ, and not for any cause in and of itself.

My desire to serve Cambodian women and girls (or whatever cross-cultural mission field God has planned for me) let it not be because of their destitution, brokenness, or suffering, but because of Christ's love for them in their destitution, brokenness and suffering.

Let me strive for excellence not because it will show others that I am a good Christian, but because God deserves only our best.

Let me reach out to others and care for them, not because I feel that is what my call is, but because God loved them first.

Let our intentions and motivations for all things be purified... cleansed... "detoxed", so that our actions, words, and thoughts reflect Christ's character and love!

Click to watch the Youtube video for "Jeremy Camp - Empty Me"

2010 Lenten Season

Tomorrow is the beginning of the Lent season - what will you be surrendering in order to partake in Christ's suffering?

I admit I do not know the ins and outs of this upcoming season, I have only started to observe this as part of my faith in the past few years. However, I do believe that it is a blessed time to focus on and walk in the suffering of Christ as we approach Easter.

Something I think a lot of people may miss out on is that Lent is not merely a time to "give something up", but it is, I believe, more importantly a time to fill this void with more of God. Our Father's purpose is never to make us miserable for the sake of being miserable! Do we dare excitedly anticipate this season of sacrifice in order to make more room in our hearts for the Creator of the universe??

Our "sacrifices" and "suffering" that we voluntarily undergo during the upcoming 40 days are nothing. We will never come close to the sacrifice and suffering of Christ's cross. But let us bring these small, embarrassing sacrifices to His feet and ask Him to beautify them.. burn away any selfish motivation and sanctify, purify, accept these offerings.

More of You, so much less of me

So farewell, Facebook. I'm sorry I let you eat so much of my time. Maybe when we meet again we'll be able to have a healthy relationship.

God is Good (all the time)! All the time (God is Good)!

Finally have gotten my butt into reading mode again...

I read an article recently that commented on how the infiltration of the Internet into virtually (haha) all aspects of our lives has changed the way neural synapses are made and thereby how we process information. We are so bombarded with Internet and its links and advertisements and distractingly flashy ways that we are unable to genuinely concentrate our mental faculties on one medium for any significant amount of time.

If you're interested, take a look at the original article here:

Is Google Making Us Stupid? - The Atlantic
(July/August 2008)

I am hoping, however, that I may preserve my ability to process and appreciate the written word by jogging my mind with various forms of literature.

As tempting and "convenient" products such as the Kindle and IPad seem, I really hope I do not grow tired of the delicious satisfaction of holding a book or magazine in my hands... feeling the crinkly/smooth/aged/dusty/soft pages and even the particularly musty perfume of certain books... Mmm.

All that said to lead into my main thought of the day- :)

I've been REALLY sucked into Internet usage lately and as I've mentioned to some friends already, I really do not feel this should be so!

I appreciate the fact that Facebook and email and instant messaging services can help us all remain in contact, and I have definitely taken advantage of this aspect of social networking sites to encourage and spur others on and vice versa... But as a friend commented recently, "the biggest temptations are rooted in something good."

I have personally tried to be proactive about this life-sucking time-wasting by (trying to) regularly getting into the Word (PRAISE GOD, He is drawing me in and teaching me discipline in this area!), devotionals via My Utmost for His Highest, buying The Economist and reading it throughout the week, picking up books more often (I'm currently finishing The Tipping Point and about to start Gandhi's autobiography!) and recently subscribing to Voice of the Martyr's monthly newsletter.

All this seems like a lot written down, but it really has been such a GOOD way to use my time. I want to be more informed about the world in order to pray into the areas of need, and in order to have the strength to do this I draw on God's Word!!!

As I fumble my way through this VERY enlightening year of "stretching" and transition, I am learning so much that I feel as though my heart and mind will explode. Or at the very least are getting into confused knots and tangles. There are so many areas I want to be used in...serve in, that I am very overwhelmed and its quite easy to just turn off my mind to it for the time being and shove it away into some corner of my consciousness. But instead of this I want to turn my mind ON to God's voice and rely on His guidance and not my own! After coming across Mr Terry's blog last night and being quite moved, I unexpectedly read this same passage (Numbers 9) in my Old Testament reading for today as part of my natural progression through the Bible!

It's not about me and my timing, but my readiness and willingness to obey Your call, on Your time.

God is SO good.

Last, but definitely not least, I want to talk a little bit about Voice of the Martyrs and what I've drawn from my readings this morning.

After reading Tortured for Christ (by VOM founder Richard Wurmbrand) in October, I realized that persecuted Christians EXIST today and that we Christians with religious freedom have an urgent responsibility to be praying for and supporting these brothers and sisters!

I had been lazy in reading the newsletter and praying for a couple weeks but was blown away when I finally picked up this month's issue. To read the words of Christians who are TRULY living (and dying!) for Christ is a deeply humbling and challenging thing. Here are some quotes I highlighted:

No matter what our educational level is, how well known or little known we are, in the light of eternity we have only a moment of time on this earth to offer our lives in service to Christ. --Tom White, Director of VOM

"Then my brother tore up the Bible. He and my father began screaming and beating me... For an hour they kicked me, slapped and pulled my hair...Then they beat me with a stick, shouting, 'Leave the Bible; don't talk to Christians.' ... When the head of the phone office heard from my phone conversation that I had converted to Christianity, he took me into a room and, holding a gun, he raped me." -- daughter of a Muslim teacher/leader ('imam') who later married a Christian man

"This pastor, uncultured theologically, did not even know that he was thinking the same way as Kierkegaard, the most eminent Lutheran theologian who, from another standpoint, also denied that a Christian can ever speak academically about Christ. A Christian is a person who is madly in love with Christ. Juliet could not make an eloquent speech about the anatomy of Romeo's body. She could only caress him and express to everyone her burning desire for him." -- excerpt from Richard Wurmbrand's With God in Solitary Confinement

Lord, more of You! Less of me.

Say "eeeeee"

Have been browsing orthodontic office websites for London...

I want to get braces ASAP so I'll have a pretty smile for my wedding photos.

...A straight smile may also increase my likelihood of finding someone who will marry me.

Har har har! (Laughing behind my hand to hide my teeth.)

Ohhh how I wish I had worn my retainer.. silly immature Ashley of the past. I rebuke you!!! Rebuke and scold and wag my finger!!!

Anyways.

There are so many things on my mind and heart, and I hate that I'm not more consistent with blogging because I fall so behind on things on here. Thank goodness for real-life journaling, which I lurvs.

I've been experiencing mild episodes of vertigo when I pray or think about/read something that involves encouraging people spiritually..

Please pray that the Holy Spirit protect me as I continue to reach out and connect with people!

(Grey + wet+ cold)days + hot tea = liveable.

God is rockin' my socks. Around the clock.

I know I've said it before, but being here has been such a blessing already.

Despite my homesickness and the feeling of loneliness creeping in at the edges of my days (which I 85% attribute to the depressing weather that just won't quit!!!) I have been experiencing a lot of what I shall call "awakenings" in my life! Awakenings in my own character, passions, career, relationships, faith journey!

The most exciting I think is regarding a potential career path...

So I was wondering how the heck the skills I am gaining here would benefit me in the future, outside of this position here in Illinois. I am basically picking up mothering skills (which... note to self: must no longer take umma for granted and be more thankful for her decades of packing lunches and preparing meals!!!!!) and learning how to care for people.

Which brings me to my second point! I am quite interested in at some point volunteering or interning in an aftercare facility for Cambodian girls rescued from sex-trafficking. It's something that's been on my heart and hopefully somehow I'll be able to go in the near future to see if maybe that's a more specific area that God is calling me to... who knows..

So! Combining those two previous points... I remembered that Will had recently suggested spiritual counseling as a career possibility. It was pretty random, and I hadn't given it much thought before that fateful car-ride to Michigan (Lisa you were there, too! I forget if you were awake when me and Will were having this particular convo-) but since he mentioned it, it's kinda been on the back burner of my mind. Until a couple weeks ago, when I realized that girls in aftercare facilities don't just need to be fed and "taken care of"... they need so much counseling to help them work through the HUGE step over into society from the pain/humiliation/suffocation of being trafficked.

Mmm... a couple weeks back, I attended a "Party with the Pastors" - a meet and greet thing with the leaders here at Harvest Bible Chapel Peoria, and during a conversation with the pastor of adult ministries I was explaining that I was kind of in a transition period, figuring out what direction God wants me to go... and I casually mentioned that I may possibly be interested in spiritual counseling. It turns out that he was starting a Foundations of Biblical Counseling course for people interested in counseling or just to learn about it in 2 weeks! So I asked him to let me know more about it and... this past Sunday I started the 4-week, 16 session course.

Anyway, to make a long story.... well, a little bit longer, I've just felt a bunch of puzzle pieces kinda fitting together in my heart and I can't describe how EXCITED I was when I first heard the *click*. I'm not sure if God will lead me to minister to those girls in Cambodia, but for now this feels so perfect.

Please pray with me!!! I've just been bombarded with attacks in my heart and mind in the past week... and God has been SOO good to me, I don't want to take my eyes off of Him and make it about me.

Er, I was going to touch on some of the other stuff that's been happening but I am literally falling asleep, so peace out! Thanks for letting me share this with you!

God is so GOOD!

"Even to your old age and grey hairs I am he; I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." [Isaiah 46:4]

Lace catsuit

I'm sorry, I just had to get this question out there, even if no one hears me. I like American Apparel, but some of their stuff is just waaaaay out there. This is an ad that I see occasionally on facebook.

What the !?!?! would you do with a "lace catsuit"???

How would you wear such a thing? It looks completely see-through. And yet covers the entire body. I just... yes. Just wanted to vent my frustration.

Hello, October

Soooooo I am about to hop in the shower but just wanted to update (all my avid readers haha) real quick.

I am so happy here... God is so cool, and awesome and wonderful and gracious... and I know I'm supposed to be researching and seeking and hunting down career paths, but right now it's just so delicious to BE. To ABIDE in His presence and mercy and love.

It's funny I should start learning these things after I step out of my "normal" life, into a strange unknown setting. Well, I guess it's not really that 'funny.' God works in 'funny' ways all the time.

So I suppose this is 'normal'. haha

I'm on my FOURTH week of P90X! I seriously didn't think I would stick with it, but it's soo good to do first thing in the morning when the kids go to school and I have definitely seen improvement in my overall health, my back feels so much stronger (yaaay no more tweaky ouchiness?!) and I'm happy with how my clothes are fitting now. ^^

Mmm.. I've gotten plugged into a church (Harvest Bible Chapel Peoria) and a small group and I am LOVING what I've learned and who I've met so far! God really really seems to draw the perfect people into our lives when we need them and I'm so thankful.

The weather is getting cooler and I'm SO excited for the leaves to turn... I've singled out a tree down my street that's beginning to be tinged with red, so I'm planning on taking a picture of it (every couple days?) to do like a time-lapse, watch-the-leaves-turn type thing. haha stay tuned..

The drive into Peoria from Washington (where I live)

My domain! LOL Our kitchen in "Willow Home"

Grand View Drive, a beautiful stretch of road with huuuge houses and overlooking the Illinois River. So many trees just waiting to be set ablaze in colour! Can't wait to see!

Illinois

I am living in Washington, Illinois!

The program my boss runs has 20 international students from Korea enrolled in it, 5 of which live with me in this house. I love my boss.

15 minutes across the river is Peoria, Illinois which is where the kids attend school. I have yet to discover it in its entirety, but I hope to do so soon and I'm really excited. From the pictures and blogs I've seen online, and from what I've seen already, Peoria seems like a very pretty and charming city.

Today was an especially fun day; Wednesday is bible study night and Korean food day. I got to meet the other students who are living in other houses around Peoria and I led bible study with the Grade 10s.

I have been lacking coffee ever since I got here (3 days now) and I am seriously in need of caffeine.

The co-teacher who also lives in the house JUST got a new Rav4, so I will now have greater mobility with the other house car and I'm so excited to get out and explore the city!!!!!!

I'm challenging myself to do a few things already: to have daily QTs after the kids are shipped off to school in the mornings, and to draw something everyday.

I'm SO pooped. I'm outtie.

To sing Your praise to the ends of the earth..

I see hypocrisy around me and in me, and unlove around me and in me.

I know this is not a good sign on my own part

I know that it simply means that I am lacking in love,

but it's so hard.

What use is it to think of and realize such beautiful truths and revelations about God when others can't see the transforming power and love that flows from such truths!

Make me more pliable, more workable, more impressionable to Your shaping and changing presence!

My heart is so small. So selfish and proud and stubborn and unclean.

More Love!!!!!

SIGH.

There are moments of grace, though, most definitely... for these I am so truly grateful.

I am soooo excited... In all honesty, I feel so much better about my decision to stay here. For now. I want to see how God will use me either career-wise, academically or in the mission field. Whether here at home or overseas.

Help me understand these longings in my heart, the passion that I cannot yet name or identify. Help me see Your will more clearly! Help me desire more of Your Word!

Lord, use me! Please use this decision and let me honour You in it..

I love You!

...amen.

summertime summertime sum-sum-summertime

yowza

so.. i was studying for my geography final (tomorrow, 2pm) a few days ago, then, feeling pretty confident that i had covered enough of the material to finish the remainder by tonight, i focused on my medical biophysics course.  

as i was studying this afternoon (for medbio), i halfheartedly flipped through my iPhone, checking out what was coming up on my calendar. imagine my horror when i realized that i had studied (dilligently) for the WRONG GEOGRAPHY CLASS!

i'm taking two geographies this semester and i love them both: latin america and caribbean, and subsaharan africa. Africa is tomorrow and i am currently in the midst of an all-nighter studying for it, lest i do it injustice on the final... woe is me. lol

i guess this just goes to show... that...... ...... ... i'll never learn? hahaha

anyways, just thought i'd let u guys share in my stupidity.

can't wait to finish exams and play play play. 

telephone interview for korea on tuesday @ 12pm! (seoyoung, i'm sorry...... i'm planning on going for a year- i'll fill you in on the details when i sleep over at your house hehe)

-->SUS! i'm gonna come join youuuu! 

back to subsaharan africa! gah!

on a totally unrelated note, some lady brought her 7 WEEK OLD (maltese?) PUPPYYYYY to Taylor library and it was SLEEPING on the floor and... i asked to snap a picture of the little darling. (hehehehehe i'm feeling all mushy again over it)

i could've stolen her away she was so adorable. awwww

a couple quick random thoughts

My mood today is kind of a muted yellow. It's not a sunshiney bright yellow, but its like the memory of joyfulness with a dull and lacklustre finish. There is definite potential for polishing and brightening to occur there, though... 

I just randomly found it too sad that Jang JaYun's suicide during the filming of Boys Over Flowers had no effect on the rest of the drama. I realize that her fans and friends in Korea must have been shocked and mourning happened, but on this side of the world... we just continued to watch BOF, and her death didn't even affect the plot..

This frustrates me for some reason I can't quite understand. I think it has something to do with how death is so PREVALENT but we're so quick to sweep it under the rug... and also something to do with how quickly the little flame our lives can be "put out." It's scary but makes me feel even more urgent to DO things with the right motives... For the Kingdom!!! Money "success" popularity fame power is so useless as personal gain in life when you can't take any of it when you go... 

And...

Oh, right. I've found roundtrip airfare to Korea mid-June to the end of August for $848USD... I'm soooooo tempted to just get on a plane and go, and just do private tutoring there... one of the (wonderful lovely awesome) froshies know the Dean of Medicine at Yonsei University so she said she could get me a volunteer position there at the hospital, too....

I feel like I have TOO MANY options to make a decision about what to do about my immediate plans for the future since TPR didn't work out... Boo.

Kk! I have to go get ready for April's birthday pah-ty tonight...

it's a slow fade

Oh my heart! 

I had such a love-ly week last week... I felt like I really was basking in the glow of God's love.

But all of a sudden... I was plunged into the dark again. 

Really REALLY : be careful if you think you stand... cause you just might be sinking.

The song "Slow Fade" by Casting Crowns used to make me very uncomfortable when I heard it while driving. Now I recognize it as a warning. 

I'm not sure if anyone will end up reading all of this... I sometimes feel really pressed for time and am unable to read everything others write, but I just need to get this OUT.

I am DYING for girlfriend-hood. Sisterdom. Edifying relationship. What is wrong with me that I can't establish it with girls around me? My heart is crying out for someone to help carry my burden, share my secrets, ease my pain. 

But there is no one here.

I know that little by little God is opening doors to new relationship in my life, which I'm really really excited about, but I wish I could the reconcile the poor, broken, hurting relationships that are lying right in front of me.

And I wish I knew how to use my perception PRODUCTIVELY! Instead, I sit and stew in my own frustration and pain at other peoples' pain and brokenness. It's so hard to care. It's so painful to care...

I speak of committing my life to Jesus, but do I know what that looks like? Where are the fruitful relationships, where are the fruits of my spirit? Where is the fruit!!!

I so badly want to bear a harvest of pretty fruit. Whole, sparkling, beautiful fruit that others want to share in. 

But my fruit is tinged around the edges, there are pock marks and bruises on them. 

Where is the COMMUNITY? Where is the fellowship? Where is the LOVE? 

I'm so tired.

Give me the light. Give me the peace. Give me the Rock!

Lord, increase my faith.

10 Things!

i accidentally hit the stop recording button at the end, there... lol

ah well, i was finished anyways. 

Love is in the air!

i am sooooo in love with You !

......

I just tried to think of words to express what I'm experiencing right now, the sweetness of this time in my life and faith journey... but I can't. There are no words.

So I'll update again later.

hehehehehehehehe *thank You God*

P.S. READ 'THE SHACK' by William Paul Young!

Spring hath Sprung!

I'm sorry, you must turn the volume waaaaaaaay way up.

I'll shout next time, I promise.

munshin.

I must alter/fix my tat. 

And.. I guess that's that.

Make it count.

All this talk of Lent... here are some of my thoughts about it.

I don't think I knew what Lent was, growing up. I don't even recall the first time I observed it, or what I gave up. I wonder if I understood what it meant at the time.

As I take this time to be alone, and have some introspection... I think I can begin to understand the "reason for the season." hehe. 

We have so much but are willing to give up so little to the One who's given us EVERYTHING. 

I want Lent to be real this year.

I want to not just give something up and then simply fill that space in my life with something else... I want this sacrifice to mean something, to be a way to experience God fuller, more real in my life.

Pastor Billy told us the other day that if we truly give something up and are really experiencing Lent, we should be growing closer to God. 

I want that.

So... here goes.

celebratory two.

so i did end up making a croquembouche... i made it from a laura calder recipe (star of "French Cooking at Home") and it was so much fun! except at the end, when i was rushed for time and was worried that it would all fall apart... and then cleaning the pot of rock hard caramel wasn't too fun either... but on the whole, i'd say 'twas a fun experience.

they were so beautiful!

i made each puff pastry ("choux" pastry, because they kinda-sorta-not really resemble little cabbages when they puff up) from scratch, and it was AMAZING seeing the squirts of runny dough puff up into a ... a puff. glorious. and then i made the vanilla custard from scratch as well and filled each choux pastry with it.... thennnnn i made caramel (thaaat took a lot of patience) and dipped each pastry puff, and stuck it to an inverted flower pot on a foil-covered disk. then i spun sugar around the whole thing and prayed it would stay intact on the way to sam and jocelyn's house!

PHEW!

made it to the party in one piece!

aaaand that's all for now because i am not feeling well.