smile

ohh how i am awed by beautiful people who think beautiful thoughts.
i wonder if you know how beautiful you are.

study stress

so i'm about a week away from round 2 of tackling the mcat and i must say i'm pretty nervous

i feel unprepared
i feel dumb
i feel like giving up
i feel unsure
i feel scared

they say second time's a charm, though... *insert weak, uncertain smile here*

after traversing to toronto to write the 5 hour-long computerized test, i hope to wind down by being pampered by mark. and by being pampered i mean hanging out with. lol.
but reallyyyyyy... i think a trip to canada's wonderland's been a long time coming. what better way to relieve the past 2 months of strenuous, excruciatingly hard work? if only i had actualllllly studied that hard. i think i studied pretty hard, but will it be good enough.... aaaaaaarggggghh

*ahem*

so i'm sitting here, with papers and books open everywhere on our dining room table and trying to calm down before attacking them again.

hmmm... in other news, i've been thinking lately. thinking about life, my future, my hopes and dreams... as amazing and wonderful it would be for med school to work out, ultimately i just want to be happy with what i'm doing, and feel that i am genuinely fulfilling my Purpose here. what is this purpose? ...

i can't believe another year is going to pass me by and leave me with no missions experience. how can i say i want to help poor/less fortunate people when i have virtually no idea who these people are or what they need? i am, of course, largely to blame for this; i don't persistently seek out such volunteer opportunities... i usually look into some project and then back away because of other responsibilities.... but i'm tired of not following through. send me. use me. MOVE me.

i must be more patient. with people, with myself.... with people.... i say i'm changed, but am i really? all the way down inside my heart? i want to be real.

doo doo doo...

hm..... i'm craving something but i can't quite figure out what.
.
.
.

ah well. back to the books!

shalom

a view of a June sunset from Social Science parking lot

flowers beside a bus shelter near wonderland and sarnia

bus shelter near wonderland and sarnia

a bright pink rose a sweet old man gave me in the elevator in Mark's building~ :)

So, this past weekend was spent in Toronto/Mississauga with the family, celebrating Anna and Paresh's wedding. It was so much fun! 1 wedding down, 2 more to go!

Friday was the Hindu wedding ceremony, which I found long but really interesting. It was really beautiful and colourful and I thought the various rituals really cool... symbolizing the union of the bride and groom and their families. ^^

The ceremony on Saturday at the Metropolitan United church downtown Toronto was short in comparison, and much more simple, but it was beautiful too... Anna looked SO HAPPY. I didn't think I'd cry or anything this weekend, but really, witnessing the union of two people really is a beautiful, moving thing. I'm so excited for them!

Also... I realized as Anna's family gathered for a family photo that my own family has no more grandparents to pose with at weddings. I miss 할아버지 a LOTTT sometimes.

with Anna, in her beautifulllll wedding sari

Yesterday was mum and dad's 23rd wedding anniversary... Wowww they're getting old!

I'm pretty bummed right now... what am I going to do with my life... what is God's plan, and how do I live out a fulfilling, purposeful, glorifying and edifying existence? I want this to be easierrr.... but I guess it wouldn't be half as fun then. Making mistakes, falling down and getting back up... it's all a learning experience. We go in blindfolded and pray that He guides us and catches us when we inevitably do fall-

I want to take up painting, or baking, or something creative. I want to enjoy life and not feel so ... burdened. I want to love and not feel resentful. I want to see beauty in people and in myself and not dwell on the ugly things. I want to be restored and made whole.

The "My Soul" section of the "Tassels" chapter in Velvet Elvis really resonated with me. I think I've taken a prolonged break in my healing process and "experience the shalom of God..." and live from my heart.. connected with my soul. Pastor Sandra used the word shalom ALL the time when she was here at LKCC, and I'm only beginning to understand what it truly means NOW.

Shalom.

I want to experience and live and breathe shalom.

hehehe

I have a secret....

and I can't wait to share it....

Lisa miss you! lol

I can't wait to tell you what your birthday present is MUA HA HA HA-

I've been thinking about it for the last like 30 minutes and I'm SO EXCITED

Alls I gotta say is you better have cleared that date.

dig deep

Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or othat." James 4:13-15

baaaah

when things get tough, i always seem to bail.

i ride my emotions through their crazy rollercoaster unquestioningly and don't think things through.

i want to change

i think lately i've been kind of blehh because i've been thinking and investing too much of myself into the future... but i have to take care of today, first. today i want to be a good sister, daughter, bible study teacher, Christ-follower, a good student...

i want to be so abandoned to God's will that it would be apparent even down to the way i think and speak... dependent on His direction, sure of His provision, unwavering faith in My God.

ALAS..... i sit here in a funk because i have been acting independent of Him... have not trusted in His provision... faith fluttering in the wind... Lord, I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!

***

my shins are killing me cuz i was walking around using all the wrong leg muscles yesterday; i was trying to alleviate pressure from the balls of my feet because my stupid shoes are ROCK HARD inside (they're Steve Maddens, masquerading as Birkenstocks) and after fast-walking from southcott to angelo's yesterday morning to meet julie for breakfast...... enough said. i have huge blisters on the bottoms of my feet and they do not feel nice.

the eczema patches on my arms and neck have really really gotten better... i'm so thankful, i want to be able to wear short sleeves and tank tops when if it gets warmer. even the skin on my legs are improving and i've vowed that if my skin clears up noticeably i am going to don SHORTS THIS SUMMER!!!! (i haven't voluntarily worn shorts in public in i think.... wow... over 5 years. i didnt even wear shorts in korea when it was summer!)

so this is a pretty big thing for me, to have my skin improving.

okay okay. time to bowflex and then shower and studyyy!

numb arms

i just mowed the lawn field here at southcott

i have lost all feeling in my arms and my hands are going to sprout some sweet calluses soon

goodness GRACIOUS will wasn't kidding when he said the backyard was large. i was all, oh, our backyard at homehome is pretty big, this'll be a piece of cake. oh, how this yard humbled me!

it looks fantastic, though, i must say. i thinkk i was out there for about an hour cuz the first half of the yard the wheels were super close to the ground and it was almost impossible to push the lawn mower smoothly through the thick grass.... and then inggy came out with some OJ and helped me fix the wheels so they'd sit a little higher off the ground.

now half the day is over and i did no studying today.

...yet, i guess.

i'm realizing that although i've been kinda flaky with my relationship with Hananeem the past little while, He's been making changes while i wasn't looking even~~!

owie my palms.

SUMMMMMMER

I'm studying for MCATs!!! It must be summer.
LOLLLL I died when I saw this card at Dollarama with Sunmi... I think the card-makers got confused and forgot that an ellyfunt's mouth is located under its trunk. Tsk tsk.
I am also broke!
Hm. Quick 5 minute update:

1. I am getting acupuncture for my eczema. It's been a little less than a month and its helped SOOOO MUCH. I am completely flabbergasted and amazed and grateful and just... yay. Except for the han-yak (traditional Chinese herbal medicine aka sewage water that I have to drink 3x a day).
2. I'm super behind on MCAT studying. HAHA So my days are full of catch-up work and then I occasionally grace my class with my presence in the evenings... it's hard to work up the motivation to go to class when you were taught the exaaact same material (down to the same diagrams and everything!) last summer already.
3. I've started teaching Hi-Cs at church! I was pretty nervous when I started but I'm super stoked right now... I know that God has given me this opportunity to learn more about Him and His love for not just me, but women (er.. girls hehe) in general.
4. I need to mow the lawn here at Southcott!
5. Oooh! I love love love the super duper expensive Papyrus cards at Chapters. I've been buying them over the past year or so, and I can't get enough of them- They're SO freakin bi-ssah though! But look:

Aren't they cuuuute... I can only afford these sometimes, though. hahaha

'Sall for now...